Friday, December 31, 2010

My Time Now...

Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up 
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say ‘I love you’ enough? 

‘Til it’s too late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come 
We could make a feast from these crumbs 
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you 
What would you wish you would’ve done?

Yeah…we gotta start looking at the hands of the time we’ve been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start pickin’ it
Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’ 

Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86-400 seconds in a day to 
Turn it all around or to throw it all away 
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em while we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we’re dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies 
Who would you call with your last goodbye? 
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution 
There’ll be no one on the line

~Kris Allen “Live Like We’re Dying 

2011 is gonna be my year.
In 2010, I was ready to call it quits. Suicide was not a thought, but I constantly wanted to be done with this life. There was so much tragedy and heart ache in my personal and family life this past year that I still don’t care to think about everything that happened.

Although I say farewell to the last year with enthusiasm and force, I can’t help but reflect on the few good things that did come, amidst all the calamity; I’ve learned to move on and learn from the mistakes (of my own making and of others). I’ve learned to forgive (others as well as myself) of their follies. I’ve learned that you can’t make plans because they will always be agitated to the point that you can’t stand it just for spite (a hard lesson for me especially with my Obsessive Controlling Disorder). I’ve learned that you will be hurt, no matter how many protective measures you take, and if you’re not getting hurt then that means you’re not living life the way God intended for us to live.

That brings me to one of the last lessons I learned with the Old Year and that is that the Almighty is always in control and will make things work out for the better of His will, even if those things were not of His will to begin with. 

As I said before, I feel 2011 is going to be my year to live. It’s time for me to step out of the shadows and actually follow through with all the plans that I’ve made for myself and make myself into the person that I want to be instead of the person that the consequences of this life thus far have made me into.

I want to write of worlds unknown.

As is evident in the lack of posts on this blog, 2010 was not a good year for my writing. Well, this coming year, that is all going to change. I’ve had the first draft of a novel written for some time now, and just recently started rewriting. It’s going great. To me, that’s a sign that the time is right, that the time is now. By this fall, I plan to be making submissions to publishers.

I’m will make music again.

I play piano – quite well – and have for almost 10 years. But in this last year, I stopped playing because all the commotion of life got in the way and it was easier to stop than to keep struggling. This year, I’m going to clear my schedule for my piano, as well as other things.

I want to do something crazy, within limits.

I will make a life change. I will open doors. I will teach and be taught. I’m not going to hold back any more.

Life, in general, has taught me that it’s from our past mistakes that we are defined as humans. That is the same method by which we learn how to better react to the future. 

In 2011, I’m going to stop trying to take things out of God’s hands and be thankful more often of His ability to handle everything for me.

This year, I’m going to put those lessons from 2010 into practice.

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